Review: Vernors Ginger Ale
I went to the Central Market recently to find an entree and beverage combination that would resuscitate my dying guts-bag (see: The H.C. Gatti’s Experience). I located suitable foodstuffs — a ready-made Beef Bourguignon dish (mini-review: BRYANT YUM-BEL) — but my Canada Dry needs were not met, because Central Market doesn’t stock Canada Dry, presumably because it is not a cage-free soda.
What they do stock, however, is Vernors; the best goddamn soft drink on the Earth.
Imagine if Ginger Ale tasted less like Sprite, and more likea child’s wishes. Can a Ginger Ale truly infuse that good, good, spicy ginger flavor without compromising the smoothness of the drink? Vernors can. Vernors can do that very thing, and it doesn’t even need a possessive apostrophe to do so.
The Vernors reversed my otherwise terminal case of grumbleguts, and also cleared up my seasonal sciatica. When I got home, I realized that one of the cans had busted open on the shelf, robbing me of exactly one-sixth of the flavor vacation I had embarked upon. I wasn’t upset, though, because I also realized that my vertical leap had increased ten whole inches.
According to Wikipedia, Vernors is “America’s oldest surviving soft drink,” partially because it tastes so good and everyone loves it, but also because nobody can kill it. If Vernors ever turned on us, we’d all be dead in a second. Think about that next time you crack a can of Canada Dry. Then put that Canada Dry down, because that’s the kind of Ginger Ale that idiots drink.
- Smoothness: Just right
- Price: Can you put a price on ambrosia?
- You Can: Because Vernors has a storefront on Amazon
- I bet: The Vernors you order off Amazon gets super bubbly in transit
- FINAL SCORE: CANADA DRY, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
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